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i'm not a bad person [25 Sep 2002|06:30pm]
I hate it when people do stupid things. Like causing a mix up, and then putting it on my shoulders so I have to deal with it. I don't like being disliked. I formed all these nice work relationships with people at the JCC so things would get done right, and then I go away for a month, come back, and I have people yelling at me left and right. Lifeguards, parents, the kitchen lady. And I didn't do shit to deserve it...
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nothingness [07 Mar 2002|08:41pm]
[ mood | sick ]

finally some down time. got my essays all finished, and 2 of my big midterms. only 2 more to go, but they're luckily not on the same day.
however, i'm sick. been this way for a week. doesn't seem to be going anywhere. but hopefully it will.
cherry nyquil is beyond disgusting. yuck.
as for writing, i've done some okay stuff lately. found a new style that i have skill in apparently, or atleast thats what my last assignment said on it.
the ones i turned in this wednesday which will be coming back tomorrow are gonna be interesting. the sonnet especially. hehe. what a pain in the butt. they wouldn't be hard if i didn't want them to actually be about something. but instead i'd like it to have meaning and not be cheesy. but almost anything in rhyme sounds cheesy to me :( blah.
the other thing i handed in will prolly get some bad comments on it. its not very understandable. like it is to me, but other people probably dont' get it at all. but i need guidance as to where to go with it, so thats why i handed it in.
work is work. and the upcoming paycheck sucks. i only got 23 hours on it. blah. the one after it will probably be similar since i'm still missing hours. but i'd rather be feeling better at the moment then have money in my pocket.
i'm going to disney world at the end of may. i'm so excited. me, mom, and ace are going for a week.
gonna go watch some tv. sleep. etc.

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[30 Jan 2002|11:36am]
I'm so tired, and yet i can't sleep. I don't understand it. I went to bed at ten, woke up at 12, fell asleep again at 2, woke up again at 4:45, fell asleep at 6, and then woke up again at 10 and 11:37. And all i feel like doing is sleeping.
Blah. Its wearing me out and making me feel like crap.
So if anyone knows some nice relaxation techniques, drop me a line or something.
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the smell of skoal. [19 Oct 2001|01:14pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

This place stinks of wintergreen skoal even if thats not what it is. But it's a scent I'll never be able to get out of my mind. One I've known since childhood in California that carried its way to Pennsylvannia, and ended a year later when I left it for Arkansas. I always seem to forget until it sneaks back into my life again.

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[28 Sep 2001|11:10am]
i really love my mom alot. i can't believe how supportive she's being of me right now. i totally didn't expect it. but its really appreciative.
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[27 Sep 2001|09:13pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

mmm. chicken fried rice is great. man i love rice.
i'm so psyched they're selling orbit gum in the US now. it rocks. can't wait to tell lukasz. he brought some to me from poland when he visited this summer. and when we were bummed when we ran out and had to chew regular wrigley's, which totally isn't as good. i must say, the stores are charging way too much for it though. grr.
ok so here's the updated version of the poem found further down the page. think i'll read it tomorrow in class. hmmm....


He returns home,
face pale from nights
spent twisting in stained sheets on dry pillows
and stands before me with blinking red eyes.

This is my father who is barely able to look at me.

He steps forward,
mouth open and moving
tongue held silent by pride.

His thick arms lumber around me,
and suddenly,
the capture becomes the release.

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rain. [24 Sep 2001|08:46pm]
last night i was up for a while. actually went to bed at 11 30. and then proceeded to wake up at 1, and read for something like 2 hours. finished my assignments for english that I hadn't read yet. fell asleep at 3. woke up at 8. how weird is that? slept for another hour. woke up and went to classes.
they went well. usual. michael emailed me. and i called him tonight. we spoke for an hour. darn phone cards. 11 bucks for an hour. but its totally worth it :)
finished my reading up, and watched "who wants to be a princess?" stupid. but the dresses were pretty.
i'm looking forward to the trip to costa rica in january. and before that I'll be spending 2-3 weeks with michael (and the rest of my family of course). :)
work tomorrow. thursday i have off.
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sleepless [09 Sep 2001|09:04am]
[ mood | indifferent ]

didn't sleep so well last night. partially due to my roomate and some guy coming in at 3 and making a lot of noise.
i went out for ice cream w/ aj and andy last night. and then we went to barnes and nobles. i picked up a book on switzerland, and a nifty journal. i have too many journals now. really.
i also worked a b-day party yesterday. it went okay. the father was cool, and he tipped us 5 bucks. the mother however wasn't so friendly. but thats okay.
working another one today. this child is younger. i'm kinda worried about how its going to go though. simply b/c we didn't have a room reserved for it like we were supposed to, and the cake wasn't there yesterday. so hopefully they delivered it today. it's a sports party, so i'm also hoping the gym was contacted and they know there's a party going on. b/c i don't really do much for the sports parties besides decorate, pass out cake and ice cream, and clean up. and attempt to keep the kids entertained in between stuff.
we'll see how it goes.
friday night i went to the chs game w/ holly. we stayed only till after half-time and then left. met billy at the beehive. chatted, read some tea leaves (hehe, this was fun), and then proceeded to give strangers hugs in the street. i had a good time.
still have a cold. i dislike coughing. blah.
ok time for me to get to work now. :)

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[06 Sep 2001|05:55pm]
so i'm not going to switzerland. dissapointing. but he's still coming in December. such a long time in the future. damn solar races. grr. their teams better win atleast. :) ok, so i'm not that bitter. i'm actually pretty understanding. besides, gives me time to do my weekend job, and actually go to classes and what not.

worked today, 2 b-day parties cancelled. yay! and my paycheck should be nice next pay period.

our apartment has been attracting squirrels lately. one finally chewed through our screen and ran around the place. kinda funny. he found his way out though.
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raining roses [06 Sep 2001|09:51am]
[ mood | rejuvenated ]

well i'm starting too feel better. i think so anyways. no more waking up with a tight throat. so thats nice. still coughing some.

so the news is i might be going to switzerland in october for like 10 days. but, i'm trying not to get too excited about it. depends on a lot of factors that are big and important. i should find out today or tomorrow if it can happen. if i don't find out before sept 15 it won't cause fares are going back up to 1100. and i'm not paying that much. b/c it'll cut into my cash for next summer, when i'm also supposed to be going there.
work today after a writing fellow meeting. hope i get put with an awesome professor. i'd go for lenz, dickson, catone, or thomson. but who knows, i don't actually know the other professors too well, they could be neat also.

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[04 Sep 2001|10:39am]
[ mood | sick ]


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[02 Sep 2001|11:03pm]
i cried tonight for a long time. and no one else can possibly understand why. i have 111 reasons in my mind. and i could name each. and one of those is because no one i know understands me. and the other big one is that i don't understand myself.
there's just times (such as tonight) when i get in a not so pleasant mood. a mix between anger and depression. and. oh forget it. its not worth describing. it usually passes in an hour, and then i'm pretty happy-go-lucky again. besides. my roomate had to come knock on the door, one after another and i had to put on a happy face. helps that i'm sick. so they just thought i have a fever or something. whatever.
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"The secret. and the secret hidden deep in that." [02 Sep 2001|02:51pm]
i totally just rearranged my room. its got some more space to float around in. which makes me happy.
i have a bit of a cold. wish it'd go away.

poetry is wonderful. read some gary snyder when you get a chance. there's something about his style that fascinates me. even though i don't always like the poem, there's atleast a line that always grabs me and makes me smile. or sparks some other kind of recognition that makes it great.
i wrote some nice things myself lately. well atleast I enjoy them anyways. and, they're trying to start a poetry club on campus which makes me very happy. we need to have more readings. as of now there's close to none. and its sad. :(
Well I'm going to watch justin play tonight at the hookstown fair or something w/ holly, aj, and verity. in like. 30 min. So i should go eat and get dressed. I just don't feel like it though.
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la di da [01 Sep 2001|11:04pm]
so i haven't been around in a while. actually. i have, but just been too busy with work and the such. went to the concert at laga last night with nick. had a good time of course.
classes have started. so far philosophy is my favorite. maj american is okay. creative writing will be nice of course, once it gets going.
at the moment i have the hiccups. ouch.
went to pitt's game tonight as well. and got ice cream at dave and andy's afterwards. yummy. really good. made my throat feel better. yes, i've got a slight cold. :(
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[18 Aug 2001|10:17pm]
[ mood | dissapointed, angry, sad... ]

i should have done something today. or went somewhere. but i didn't. stupid choice really. i don't really understand why its ok if i make the decision to stop something. but if its not me then i let it affect me the wrong way and get irritated. at the moment i'm seriously frustrated. and so sick of soup its unbelievable. but it seemed ridiculous to go ahead and order out. and now i'm wide awake after sleeping much of the day in between cleaning and laundry. thinking i'd be up most of the night, and not wanting to be too tired for work. now thats not what i want. i want to sleep it all away. and i can't.
i've decided i'm not really angry at anyone in particular. just with myself. but its really easy to take it out on people. so its better if i keep to myself like i usually do.
i could easily cry. throw things around the room. but i'd rather the sky do it for me. all i can hope for is rain. thunder, lightning and the sky breaking open allowing the rain to incessantly pour itself out.
i kept telling myself no. but it didn't mean anything. still doesn't mean anything. not sure whats left to be done now. not sure i want to know either.

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long sigh... [18 Aug 2001|04:26pm]
[ mood | blah ]

so today is saturday. snd I cleaned up this apartment some. did my laundry. slept alot. and planning on getting more sleep tonight. so yesterday was the last day of camp. i'm really relieved. all that sun and chlorine was killing my skin. bluck. i miss my kids. which by the way went from 8 to 18 this week. that was a bit rough, though they were still manageable. this week i'll be all indoors, and i have a feeling its gonna make me restless. it's a mini camp, with the same age level, and some younger kids. kinda boring b/c its the same routine everyday. and the other counselors working are newbies. so that will definitely be interesting trying to get them shaped up to meeting all the demands kids have. oh. did i mention i have to be in at 7:30?? that means i'll have to be up at 6 30 or so cause its a 30 min walk. also monday i officially become weekend supervisor. that to me is exciting.
lets see. i'm wanting to go to australia in november. but it seems out of the question to go for just that week of thanksgiving break, b/c it would be cut short a few days due to time change and layovers, and what not and pay like. 2000 bucks or more. but it'd still be worth it to spend time with my bf. or i could just wait a couple more weeks after that till when he's coming to spend christmas with me. i'll think about it some more. i shoulda just said screw work and went to the Dominican Republic in july.
in sad news. i saw this baby bird that fell out of its nest the other day. coulda cried. but there was nothing to be done.
hmph. back to laundry. and then i'll try to decide what i'm gonna eat for dinner tonight. thinking about ordering some italian something. but not pizza. i desperately need to go grocery shopping.

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optional opinions. [06 Aug 2001|11:14pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

seems i'm surrounded by heartache lately. and maybe i'm afraid i'm going to cause some of my own. in all honesty i'm completely confused, and scared shitless i'm going to screw up. get myself into something i can't get out of. and then ultimately lose.
so today was definitely a wearing out kind of day. i learned that i am capable of handling emergent situations pretty well though. i think i managed well. and stayed calm enough. surprising as that was. i hope my aunt gets better. :(
but lets go back a few days. so i've been home in arkansas. i did stuff w/ lukasz every day. actually, we basically combated each other in this car racing game w/ taxi cabs, can't think of what it was. and race in gran turismo. and the rest of the time we watched movies in my room. had a few pillow and ice fights. and it was fun. my polish is great. well. not fluent by all means. but i can catch on to it fast enough. might take a class at pitt eventually. then sat we went to branson, mo. went go-carting. played a few arcade games. went for a walk in the middle of the night. then sunday the whole 9 of us went to silver dollar city. it was hot, but we had a good time.
thats been my time here basically. and tomorrow morning i'm flying home. can't wait. oh, the dress i'm wearing in amanda's wedding is looking good. we took some pictures. so maybe i'll have a few of those up on my website eventually. october isn't so far away. geez. can't believe she's getting married still. wow. :)
back to burning cds for me. surprised mom hasn't yelled at me to go to bed.

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[06 Aug 2001|11:11pm]
so i posted this entry like. 3 days ago or something. not that i can remember the entire thing, but it was something like, an apology to my mom for saying she doesn't cook for me, because she did make me a german chocolate cake when i came home. and it was delish. sometimes i guess she's just too tired or something. it said some other stuff. but can't recall that either.
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disrupted complacency [03 Aug 2001|07:44pm]
[ mood | confused ]

so today i went swimming. it was fun. even though the water was a bit dirty, but what do you expect from good ole country creeks.
been playing around w/ this webcam alot. hehe. its too much fun.
well that email i was impatiently waiting for never came. :( i was a bit upset. not mad. just dissapointed. and a little worried.
in other news. i found the 2 cds i've been looking for. and i made hot pockets for dinner. yeah. mom didn't cook for me. but whatever.

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[02 Aug 2001|04:26pm]
[ mood | good ]

its thursday. made my plane. in like really close timing, not that it really mattered though, cause we sat at the gate for an hour while they fixed the hydraulic fluid that was leaking from the engine. and then even after all that they ended putting me on a flight into nashville. but i eventually made it back home. and here i am. and it is beyond hot here. and way too much humidity. yuckie. but i'm surviving. and i'm waiting impatiently for an email at the moment...
my kitty is so cute. pookie rocks. just so everyone knows. of course my other pets do as well, but they're too big to sit in my lap while i'm at the computer. nothing else is up. other then that i've been staying up way too late lately. and its not so good for me. cause i feel like soggy chips all day. and its not working out so well.

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